


the sound of settling

by silpium



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-08-27
Packaged: 2018-12-20 16:51:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11925123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silpium/pseuds/silpium
Summary: So when their anniversary begins to come up and Hinata’s affectionate nature seems to suddenly decline to a comment a day rather than that array of them (not to mention their nighttime texts, which are similarly caring on Hinata’s side), Kageyama is a bit nervous.He knows he’s not the best boyfriend, especially not in comparison to Hinata, and the thought that Hinata’s realized as much—that he’s not so “amazing” after all—is enough to make him fidget endlessly.  Hinata makes him happier than he thought he could be, leads him to believe that being that king isn’t so bad after all. The possibility that it’s no more than wishful thinking has uneasiness brewing all up through him.





	the sound of settling

The thing is that Kageyama isn’t _used_ to feeling so cared for. It’s weird being in a relationship with Hinata, of all people, who is no stranger to expressing his affection verbally or physically in-between all their banter.

It’s such a stark change from before they were together that it still has Kageyama reeling, even now. The times when Hinata would never compliment him wholeheartedly are a distant memory, if not entirely faded. Kageyama didn’t know what to expect when they started dating, but he certainly didn’t anticipate this daily barrage of affection.

It’s on little and large things alike, and as though the second Hinata thinks it, it’s already said. _Your carrots aren’t going to disappear just ‘cause you look so cute glaring at them_ during lunch, or spiels upon spiels about how amazing and cool and awesome and amazing (again) his tosses were that day. 

It’s really not something familiar to him, even after all this time, and it makes Kageyama’s heart flutter so stupidly every time without fail, like it’s empty yet full of hot air,as though he’s a schoolgirl in some shoujou manga. Hinata totally knows that, too, and takes advantage of it.

So when their anniversary begins to come up and Hinata’s affectionate nature seems to suddenly decline to a comment a day rather than that array of them (not to mention their nighttime texts, which are similarly caring on Hinata’s side), Kageyama is a bit nervous. 

He knows he’s not the best boyfriend, especially not in comparison to Hinata, and the thought that Hinata’s realized as much—that he’s not so “amazing” after all—is enough to make him fidget endlessly. Hinata makes him happier than he thought he could be, leads him to believe that being that king isn’t so bad after all. The possibility that it’s no more than wishful thinking has uneasiness brewing all up through him.

So he withdraws a little, each day, too: fewer smiles, less initiation, and he thinks Hinata notices, because Hinata’s started to act even weirder and dodgier. 

It’s around then that their one-year anniversary creeps closer to them. A few days before, Hinata breaks the unspoken agreement to silence, and asks if Kageyama would want to go out that day. There’s an undercurrent of _something_ to his voice that keeps Kageyama’s anxiety frothing. 

The date ends up being one at Kageyama’s favorite restaurant, coincidentally. At this point--well, if Hinata’s going to break up with him, Kageyama can’t do anything about it. It feels just about written in stone, and even though the fear crawls within him and carves his insides out, Kageyama has nothing more to lose, so he accepts. Hinata brightens in something like relief, and the fear eats up even more of him.

The date is quiet but with a normalcy that Kageyama’s been yearning for. It gives Kageyama this flicker of hope in the barrenness within him, one that almost feels like it can refill him. He hadn’t expected a lapse back into familiarity. This miniscule chance that things will be okay again cements itself when Hinata asks him back to his house afterwards, “because Natsu’s totally asleep by now and she won’t bother us.” There’s a murmuring disquiet in Kageyama’s chest as he agrees, even so, because as normal as it seems, the privacy of Hinata’s home would be far more appropriate than a crowded restaurant for what’s probably to come.

They end up in Hinata’s room, watching a movie and eating whatever junky food the Hinatas had in their fridge, since the restaurant’s desserts were too expensive for Hinata to treat Kageyama to. Hinata had made a beeline for the freezer almost the second they got to his house and grabbed some ice cream to drown in chocolate sauce and sprinkles, predictably, and made a mess of the kitchen trying to get that last little bit out of the bottle. (Kageyama was, and has always been, much more frugal in his usage of toppings, and manages to avoid the disaster Hinata caused, alongside the responsibility of cleaning it up, thankfully.)

The movie Hinata puts on some recently-released slice of life that’s lacking in quality, to say the least, so neither of them have any interest in it. Hinata’s fidgeting is palpable, and he doesn’t stop clinking his ice cream spoon against the bowl even after he’s finished until he finally puts it aside on his nightstand. Kageyama’s not surprised when maybe half an hour in, Hinata nudges him and tells him, “Kageyama, I wanna talk about something.”

What Kageyama is surprised at is how his heart freezes up, so much more than necessary. _Embarrassing_. “What about?” He replies, and hopes his voice doesn’t betray him.

Hinata’s twiddling his thumbs, staring down at them, agitated and overwrought, evident by how he keeps opening and closing his mouth like he wants to spit out a speech but just can’t force it through. Kageyama just does it for him, to make it easier on both of them, staring down at his legs hanging off Hinata’s bed—“If you want to break up, that’s fine. I don’t need a spiel for that.” It comes out so much more toneless than he’d wanted. 

Hinata squawks. It’s such a weird noise that Kageyama would laugh in any other situation. Hinata’s resting on the heels of his hands and looking at Kageyama like Kageyama’s gone totally insane. “ _What_ are you talking about?” he almost shrieks, probably waking Natsu down the hall. “I—that’s not what I was going to say at all! You, I—” he swallows hard, as though around a rock, “I love you, you dumbass!”

It doesn’t hit Kageyama right away. In fact, what hits him first is that Hinata swore, so this must be serious. Then the gears in his head start turning, and he turns to look at Hinata, gaping, and coughs out a “ _What_?“

”You—you heard me!” Hinata retorts. “Don’t make me say it again! I’ve been so antsy this past week because of that whole thing, ‘cause I realized a little while ago, and, uhm. I wasn’t gonna tell you for a bit, but then you were acting off all week, and I thought maybe—maybe it would help you feel better, or something, to know I’m here no matter what. I don’t know, I—don’t look at me like that!”

“You… love me?” Kageyama repeats numbly.

“Yes,” Hinata hisses. Kageyama blinks at him once, twice. Hollow silence weighs down on them, tangible, and Hinata flits his eyes away. “It’s fine if you don’t reciprocate yet, you know. I don’t want to make things harder for you. I just want you to know—”

“But that’s not…” Kageyama interrupts, unsteady. He can feel the anxiety flushing through him like ice water, chilling him to the bone, and he can barely force his voice out.

“That’s not what, Kageyama?” 

“I’m—you can’t love me,” Kageyama rattles off. “That’s not possible.”

Hinata’s embarrassment drops like a stone, his flush turning to a heavy frown. “What are you talking about? Of course I can, dummy. I do.”

“But I’m not… I’m an asshole to you and everyone else, constantly,” he starts. “I’m not any better than I was at Kitagawa Daiichi, and I can’t be good to you like you deserve with all the affectionate stuff, or be a social and normal person, or…” Hinata turned to look up at him with this indescribable expression, and he breaks off. “I’m not… good enough. And it feels like I won’t ever be,” Kageyama manages after a few moments, hushed. Even people he knows that resemble him, like Kenma, have gotten better and happier, but how has he improved? 

Hinata is silent for a moment, biting the inside of his cheek hard, before he bursts out with an anger Kageyama hadn’t expected, “Kageyama, you’re an idiot. You never have been and never will be ‘not good enough.’ I don’t care how difficult it is for you to talk to others or how grouchy you can be. That’s who you are and they’re not traits that make you worth any less, ever. I love you for who you are and have been and will be—can’t you see that?” He smiles lightly as he glances over to his wall of memoirs, of what used to be just team photos and awards, but now holds mementos—tickets and photos and receipts—from a good amount of their dates.

And, yeah, Kageyama _can_ almost believe that. They were both happy. But there’s this ugly anxiety foaming in his chest, boiling, at hearing an _I love you_ —he wishes he could believe it, the way Hinata would if he told him, and be _normal_ But he’s never had someone love him, not even the people _supposed_ to, and doesn’t that mean the issue lies in him, always has? “I just… don’t understand how someone like you could love someone like me.”

“Because you’re you,” Hinata says, easy and gentle. “Because you love volleyball and put so much into it. Because you can memorize tens of play signals in a day but can’t remember the quadratic formula after months. Because you can’t ever compliment me without getting embarrassed. Because of that you get this look in your eyes when you remember we have practice soon. All these tiny little things, idiot. You aren’t only your flaws, and they aren’t permanent. You’ve already come so far, y’know? Being able to have the team’s trust and respect, being able to criticize them without hurting them—you’re so far beyond who you were in middle school.”

He takes Kageyama's hand in his, looks down at it and plays with Kageyama’s fingers. “You’re amazing to me for coming this far, and you’re amazing for even persevering so long. I’ve loved you in a sense for ages. This isn’t any different, y’know? You just have to be okay with taking a risk and trusting me like always. And it’s always turned out okay in the end, right?”

Kageyama’s heart has settled to a steady rhythm, a calm despite itself. It’s Hinata, who he’s always let himself go new places with. This is just another step, albeit one that terrifies him, and lets himself relax enough to say “It didn’t when you gave me your math homework to copy and Kurosawa-sensei knew we cheated because we got the same exact wrong answers.”

“Rude, Kageyama!” Hinata blanches at the memory. “Way to kill the moment! Think of literally any other time!”

“The incident with Takeda-sensei last September?”

“We are not discussing that.” Hinata’s tone is so resolute, so final, that Kageyama can’t help but bark out a laugh, and Hinata smiles instinctively. “See, that’s another reason to love you,” he says, squeezing Kageyama’s hand. 

Kageyama’s heart doesn’t skip a beat this time. Instead, it stutters a moment and quiets with a sigh, settling into the dust left behind from all his restlessness. It’s almost a familiar peace, now, one that fills every vacated crevice. It’s nice, even with the emotional exhaustion lingering underneath. “If you insist.”

“I do!” Hinata exclaims, in horrid offense to the implication that he wouldn’t. “Are you gonna be okay?” He asks, softer. Judging by the clearness in his chest, he will be, and he tells Hinata as much. Hinata beams at him, an unaware beacon in the dark. “Okay, good! You better be ready, ‘cause I’m gonna give you a reason for loving you every day from now on, and you’ll be so amazed! You’ll have no choice but to understand why I care for you so much after a few weeks of it.”

He has the smallest, smuggest of smirks mingled with a smile on his face, and as the night settles into evening alongside them, Kageyama thinks, _maybe I will_.

**Author's Note:**

> beta'd by my sweetheart [clem](https://archiveofourown.org/users/luciferTM/pseuds/luciferTM)! they brought this fic So Far ;v;
> 
> please feel free to comment with concrit or otherwise! i'd love to hear what you thought--it's much appreciated!
> 
> i'm on twitter [@hhatsunetsu](https://twitter.com/hhatsunetsu) if you'd like to hmu! i'm locked rn but i don't mind dm/follow requests at all! c:


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